Chinese Man Literally Gets A New Asshole

CHINA - ...Meet Wu. A simple Chinese farmer from Jiayu county of Hubei Province, Wu has spent more than half his life without anus. The condition, known as anal atresia, was conferred upon him at birth (most likely by a really angry deity). As a result, he has spent 55 years defecating through a tiny hole near his urethra called a stoma. To actually get the stool out, he had to squeeze it out...

Stop already! Enough with the dude with the blocked up dumpster. I guess I'm just posting this as a PSA or some sort of update or something. We all heard last week about the guy from China who lived for 55 years without an A-hole. Big whup, Mr. Wu finally gets his new balloon knot.  Anyway, I guess I'm happy to report that his remaining years will be filled with toilet paper and reading magazines. Damn, he was so environmentally friendly before and now we're gonna have to kill a shitload (get it?) of more trees all because this dude needed to become a Pu-Pu Splatter.  Well that does it, I'm havin' Thai for lunch.  Or should that be untie?  Poops, I mean, oops, I did it again....

Florida Inmate Caught With 30 Items in Anus

SARASOTA, Fla. - Inmates from time to time get caught using a natural body cavity to smuggle items into jail, but what happened recently is a new mark. As the Sarasota Herald Tribune reported, 33-year-old Neil Lansing was sentenced to jail on drug charges and was going through a routine strip search when jail officials noticed something sticking out of his rear end. Upon removing the condom, they discovered many more items: 17 blue pills, 1 cigarette, 6 matches, a flint, a syringe, lip balm, a CVS receipt and a coupon. Lansing now faces additional charges of drug possession and smuggling contraband into a jail.

Yup, it's Florida, Part 2,837,785. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Florida is the penis of America and a national castration needs to take place. Having said that, what's the deal here, Neil? Are you like Rubberman or something? That's an impressive inventory you were carrying in the ol' keester there, pal. Thirty items?  The prison screws must've needed a backhoe to excavate that thing.  By the way, I can understand everything except the lip balm, the receipt and the coupon. WTF? Well maybe the lip balm will come in handy when you're smooching your new roommate, but I'm still a little fuzzy on the paper products. So many questions, so little time....